So, I wish I could tell you that it’s been a week or so since I last posted because I was away on an important trip across the country, or busy working on something really time consuming and urgent, or even my computer crashed and I was unable to access the Internet, but I would be lying. The truth is, I haven’t been busy at all. I have had more free time in the past week than I have had since the summer. I guess I’ve been in sort of a funk. I have had little desire to actually sit down and do anything. Whether it be future homework that I could have gotten out of the way, or something else constructive I chose not to do it. I didn’t feel like siting around and watching tv, or even reading a book, which I usually love doing. To be honest, I didn’t want to do much of anything. Last night, at one point, I just decided to sit in my room in the dark and listen to music. Yeah, that might seem weird, but it is basically all I could motivate myself to do.
What’s my problem you ask? Why am I becoming less motivated each day to do anything? Sunday at church, Taylor spoke about serving others in the community. He explained the difference between servers and sitters. What he was saying was that some people always have to be out doing something, constantly moving, working, etc. These people are servers. Give them a book to read and they may just get through the title before they become bored. Now, on the other end of the spectrum we find the sitters. These are the people who love to sit, read, think, pray, study, journal, etc. They are good people, but let’s just say they don’t get out much. As in most walks of life, there must be a balance.
Most of the summer, I was a sitter. I sat in my basement, or relaxed in my hammock and read books. I read a lot of books. These were good books by good authors with great ideas and stories. Many of these books caused me to think, to question, to reflect on things in my life and the world around me. I enjoyed this time I spent mostly alone. I would spend entire weekends in my backyard, in attempt to quench my thirst for this knowledge. It was great. Then came the start of the semester.
I was excited to be back with friends. I had all these thoughts and feelings stemming from the books I had been reading and now I would have people to share them with. To make a long story short, the semester got busy quickly. I had less time to read, others had less time to discuss. Yes, I had some good discussions, but they were mostly cut short by other duties. Even though all these ideas that were floating in our heads became more real with each conversation, that’s still all they were, ideas and discussions. If we have little time to discuss, we have even less time to follow through.
This brings me to recently. I find it ironic how my desire to serve or my longing to transform my ideas into action, coupled with my lack of follow through has had an opposite effect on my motivation. I am tired of sitting, and reading and thinking. I want to act. But something is holding me back. Maybe it’s school? Maybe it’s money? Or Athletics? Or Fear? Probably a combination of many things. All I know is I’m tired of sitting around. I’m tired of being patient.
So, what’s my next move? I am still unsure. If I knew that, I doubt I’d be sitting here still typing. I guess I’ll just have to stay faithful and persevere. I know that God will provide the answer. Only he knows when this will occur. Until then I just pray that in my life and in the world, God’s will be done, on earth, as it is in heaven.